It has come to my attention recently, thanks to my dear ol' pal Keatonian, that those of us with problems in certain pubic areas may have a centuries old answer to our ailment. Pubic areas? By golly gee willikers, what problems could you possibly have in your pubic area?? Dry skin? Herpes? Scabies? Beautiful musky scents? Hairlessness? Hidden turkey sandwhich(es)?

First, I gotta say, if you have a turkey sandwhich hidden in your junk, there's seriously something wrong with you. You need to get that checked out ... like, now. As to everything else, you're on your own this time ... BUT if you happen to be hairless down there or hosting a colony of pubic lice and/or crabs - well, ladies and gentledudes, do I have the answer for you! I present to you: the merkin:



A merkin? MERKIN?! What the popsicles is a merkin?? Apparently back in the olden days, pubic lice and genital scarring (from disease) was a common issue amongst the ladyfolk. In an attempt to cover up the ugly sight of a bare vulva (shaven to get rid of her pet crab collection ... I named one of mine "Wally"), this snappy little manglebunch was snugly adheased onto the skin and patted in place. Johns and hookers alike would all stand back and gaze at its beautiful, nappy glory and never guess syphyllis or insects had ever touched that area. Never.

Nowadays it's used for purposes like fashion statements and brillo pads. I always knew there was something a little off about the way I looked growing up. Something ... just .. wasn't ... quite ... right...

On my way to homecoming ... something missing?


MERKIN!



Or how about that time my ex-boyfriend threw a halloween party and I showed up as "A housewife so perfect, it's scary?" You know, everybody kept telling me something was missing from my costume - and now I know! Three years later! I finally, FINALLY know!
MERKIN. (I gave it a little flare this time, makes it a little cute, don't you think?)



Double merkin power! The more merkin, the less you will be able to resist its charm:



Got some fruit lying around you don't know what to do with?



MERKIN!



Aw, shucks, don't limit it to just the apple, include the whole gang. Make it a merkin party!



You know, and while we're at it ... there's this one picture I have of my ex-boyfriend Kurtis lying on my bed. For the snickerdoodles life of me I just can't figure out what's so off about this photo! Can you?



Wait - WAIT. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Totally omggggzzz! MERKIN!!! He was totally missing his merkin!! With a little bit of retouching from my "boxer be gone" brush tool in Corel Photo X4, I finally found it! It was totally there the whole time - I feel so dumb.




Oh, Keaton, what would I have done for years to come without knowing of this merkin business?? Gone hairless and embarrassed, that's for sure! Apparently you can buy these at a variety of retail stores ... so, the next time you need something to liven up your wardrobe or make up the life of a hip college party - throw in a merkin. They'll never know what hit them.