Long long ago, in a land of syph and crab infested prostitutes, otherwise known as "Europe", merkins - the toupe of the clam gods - graced it's prescence on many a lady's private area. Men were enchanted by it's chamelean like demeanor; women were swooned at it's power of economic stability in a time of health crisis; children were entertained at what looked like the neighborhood's new motionless pet guinea pig.
Long were the days when a lady - or gentledude - could cover up that unsightly 5" pock mark with a snappy patch of dead animal fur. Just like my nephew holding a fork next to an electric outlet in a barn standing in a puddle of water created by the concurrent lightening storm, the merkin was gone in a flash.
Please ... please my children .. do not cry! I know the tears rushing down your face aren't solely from the thought of tranny-hooker #1 not being able to have his/her very own snappable manglebunch. You've just spent the last hour googling "merkin" and have discovered this delicious, delicious fashion statement is no longer a social norm. And that I lied when I said it could be used as a brillo pad.
But fear no more! Now you, yes YOU, can have your very own merkin!


How to Make a Merkin in Eight Easy Steps
A socialite's guide to faking pubic hair

First, before you can begin your magical adventure to faking your own afghan mound, you need make a list of items needed for your magical merkin. You also need to find the friend who hates arts and crafts stores the most and drag him/her along.

This is my friend Krisztian ... his hobbies include hating arts and crafts stores and wearing his roommates sunglasses during merkin moments:



After scouring North Hollywood for what seemed like hours (FINE it was about 2 minutes), we had to give up our dreams of running through fields of merkin material at Michale's and settle on .. ugh .. K-Mart. It was dangerous. People were wielding giant weapons of mass destruction in their windowless vans. They tried to sell me white powderful envelopes as I skidaddled through the parking lot! White powder! Parking lot! ENVELOPES!

The next task was deciding what material to use.
First, I found a giant red rug. Great in shagginess, poor in color. Nobody wants a firecrotch, not even a pot-marked, crab infested hired vagina.


Second, I found a multicolored dog hedhog looking thing. I quickly decided that the rat infested crotch look isn't what I had in mind.


Third, I found something really close to what I had in mind - a soft, kinda kinky yet kinda curly purple material that I could rub my face all over. Mid-face I realized my goal was to attract men, not turn into a disco drag queen with pastel poon.


I was just about to give up when OH BISCUITS LORD AND GRAVY - cotton balls! I wanted mine to be comfortable and scratch-free (no need to incorporate the crab-scratch). Before making a solid decision, I sized them up to make sure they would work perfectly:



Ok. so. onto the show.

Step 1 - Gather your materials.


Step 2 - Fold a piece of blank paper in half hamburger style and cut out your merkin's template.


Step 3 - Marvel at your creativity. Or stare at your fingers wondering just what that is underneath your fingernails. You could have sworn you washed your hands after you tou... nevermind.


Step 4 - Apply glue to your merkin template in whatever shape your lonesome little heart desires. I chose squigglies and phallic symbols.


(Please note that it is important to have fun with your merkin. This merkin will be a symbol of your own maturity and creativtiy ... so do what I did - make clusters of
cotton testicles and stuff them in your pants.)


Step 5 - Apply cotton balls all over phallic and squiggly shaped glue template. To acheive the true parasidic prostitute look, I suggest tearing your cotton in half and applying it in spuratic patches.


Step 6 - Begin to stack cotton balls on top of each other to create that full-feathered, "I just got a new snatch" look. If you'd like to vary it a bit and make a special gift for that special, special man (or really hairy woman), apply more cotton balls towards the end. Shape them to form a "V." You will also want to pull on the cotton a bit to acheive maximum kinked out curly Q ness. Resist the urge to nuzzle your face in it's cloudlike softness; remember, this is gunna go on your junk!




I took a moment to wonder what this whole experience of me shaping it's luscious, luscous body must be like from the merkin's point of view. I think it looks a little
something like this:


Step 7 - Let your merkin dry.


Take a moment to sit back and reflect upon your experience while your merkin dries. Have you and your merkin bonded? Have you made decisions for it's futures? Do you have hopes and dreams you hope it will one day carry out because you didn't have the balls to do it on your own?

Step 8 - Your merkin should be dry! That's it - go try that bad boy on! Show your neighbors, make them touch it. Go up to that girl in the dark room and twirl your hips all around ... she'll never know the difference!


A close-up of the man merkin ... mankin ... if you will (please note the extreme detail in straggling cotton strands and extreme bush fullness):


Now, for those of you who are like "frick to that noise. cotton, i need something more delectable than that you jerkwad." ... you can sub in cotton candy! Not only will you attract massive amounts of ants (and possibly be put in the hospital) but the ladies won't be able to resist your sweet, sweet fun time bunch!



Merkin. You're there. Eight easy steps to a fashionable - and comfortable! - merkin. Take it to that rave you've been dying to go to. Slip Jimmie's hands into your pants when he's least expecting it for a sweet, sweet suprise. Pull it out of your pants a little and use it as a medical excuse to leave work/class early. Whatever it is you decide to do with your merkin, may it bring you mounds and mounds of luck.
To see more of Krisztian and I's voyage into merkin-land, please visit my
photo album - Viva la Merkin!




Oh ... and one more thing. I made a sparkly one for Ed :)