Mama's got a brand new pair of underwear!

Seriously, WTF? It looks like somebody stole silky fabric out of a Frederick's and wrapped it over a banana maxi pad. I see the idea, but ... why not just not wear any underwear at all (images from yadogg.com)?







http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=11481

I have an image running through my head ... I can see it now:

*Christina walking down Venice Beach in hot pad-derwear*
Small Child: Mommy - why is that lady wearing a pad instead of a bikini bottom?
Mommy: Because, dear, she's retarded - uh, I'm sorry, mentally challenged - and likes to look like she's wearing a blood soaked feminine napkin in public.
Small Child: *points and stares* *starts to cry as she leads him away*
Mommy: Don't stare dear, mentally challenged people don't like it when you point at them.
Me: *thinking to self* Oh my! That little boy is so impressed by my reverse banana hammock that he's speechless. Look at his mom, trying to avert his innocent eyes so that he doesn't become a sexual devient. I'm such a stud. Rawk.

That being said, I think I'll go out and buy five in assorted colors and designs .. right .. now.

Week long tyraid

I apologize for the lack of updates, it's about a billion degrees in the San Fernando Valley and the heat eventually got to my head, thus keeping me from properly functioning in any ship shape regard. Oh hell, I'll just blame it on my friends, that's what they're around for anyways.

It's been a rather interesting few days, to say the least. To summarize Christinagans (that's Christina and shenanigans for short .. I know, I know, hold on to your panties, you're impressed) over the last week:

1. Lots and lots of working out. The return of Sweaty Dude - he somehow found me in the middle of a very crowded two story gym and proceeds to chat it up for an hour while I'm cardioing away. No, no, please continue to ask me about the philosophy of life while all I want to do is place duct tape over your mouth while I go back to a rockin' out.

2. Hot blonde dude with nice butt (see previous post) #1 moved our staring relationship to a new level ... he walked by my treadmill a few times and did a Venice Beach style flex. I started laughing so hard I almost tripped over myself. Hey, we're making progress from our 20 ft staring contests, so I guess I can't complain and/or make fun of him.

3. Went to Cheesecake Factory on Friday and ordered the Factory Burrito Grande sans onions, peppers and black beans ... basically everything but the cheese, rice and chicken. Deciding what to order from restraunt menues is a very daunting task for me; see below internal narrative for example:

Inside my head: "Oh God, it's so big and so greasy. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to run to the nearest bathroom just looking at it. Oh, but it sounds so delicious and velvety smooth with it's finely aged cheddar and creamy sour cream. Should I tempt fate? No, no Christina .. don't do it .. you want to lose another 10-20 lbs .. cheese isn't going to help you get there. Think of your hips Christina, THINK OF YOUR HIPS! But my mom gets it all the time and I always say I'm going to try it ... then I get the stupid salad with the stupid watered down fat free italian vinegar excuse of a dressing ... ohmygosh ohmygosh I want the burrito. Oh but the pad thai looks so good, I can always do double chicken and have them leave out the shrimp ..."

Person eating with me: "So, what are you going to get?"

Me: "Oh, I think I'll just go with a salad. It'll be a fun time!"

Inside my head: "THERE'S A FREAKING BREAKFAST PAGE?!?! I want an omlett for lunch! Like, totally OMG totally freak me out! An OMLETT for LUNCH! Seriously! But I really like the chicken and biscuits and I can always take some home for lunch another day. And I can do the same with the burrito ..."

Server approaches: "What can I gets for yous twos?"

Other person orders

Server: "And for you mah little ladiez?"

Inside my head: "Oh funkernickles oh freak I need to order! Pad thai?! Salad? Omlett with extra cheese? Oh frick no cheese you fatty! Oh but the chicken and biscuits have always done me well! Except for that one time they gave me food poisoning ... I'll just stick to a salad."

Me to server: "Factory burrito grande please, it's huge and I won't be able to eat even half of it!"

Server: "It IS massive, only a true fatty mcfattersons could finish off that baby!"

I proceeded to polish off the whole thing, followed by a piece of coconut cream cheesecake. WTF ... I have no self control. I lose. Fatty. McFattersons. Starving children of the world? Well, it's their own damn fault ... just come to the Cheesecake Factory, they'll hook 'em up. Hey, in my own self defense I was starving. Yeah ...

4. Kinda sorta date on Friday. Really tall, very cute guy with one a nice sarcasometer ... only problem is the fact that it was about a BILLION degrees that night. I literally had beads of sweat rolling down my buttcrack. I mean, like, POOLING right there at the top of my buttocks curvature. It looked like I had reverse peed my pants and wasn't giving a crap about it. It was absolutely sexy.

5. Turns out getting up at 7am to run is no longer a good idea. Here I am, excited to go get a long Saturday training run in when BAM heat in my face. I turned a shade darker just by opening the front door. Seriously though, it was freaking 90 degrees at 7freakingAM ... what the douche, man?! The run sucked, but hey, the level of burning throughout my body was only mild-moderate as the day progressed.

6. Justin's screening party ... very entertaining! I have to say that I actually managed to release a few laughs (which we all know my prude little body refuses to accept humor of any kind). I was sufficiently entertained! Mix in some drunk people and the need to make faces everywhere you go and you get this:

(Stolen from Justin, hey thanks dude!)


7. Saw a Lexus purposefully run over a helpless, chirping squirrel. I stopped and stood, mouth agape in horror that somebody could be that cruel. I hope he freaking burns in squirrel hell or is at least plagued with an acorn avalanche as he sleeps in his murdurous sleep.

8. Return of semi-date dude from Friday night. Don't know what to say there. That'll do I guess.

9. Went in to buy one pair of shoes and came out with freaking FOUR pairs. I mean, seriously, WTF, what the effersons is my deal? I have a problem ... a shoe problem. I'm addicted and I need help. Retail help ... more shoes .. give me my shoes .. GIVE ME MY SHOES DAMMIT!

10. Freaking shirt.woot.com got me again.

So yeah, that's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm sure there's a small detail about my special friend in there somewhere, but I really don't want to get into it. He makes me happy and he makes me sad. He's my bipolarbear friend. Mmmmmmmm fuzzy polar bear cocacola ...

I'm just going to go out here and say it .... penis.

1. I saw a pal on America's Got Talent tonight and it amused me greatly.

2. A sweaty (I'm assuming from my studly hotness, not the fact that he just got off the treadmill) dude at the gym asked me where "Rowlett Tennis" is (in reference to the shirt I was wearing) and I told him "In a place called Imaginationland. It's wherever your mind takes you." For a moment, he thought I was serious. I kid you not.

3. It's hot as balls in my apartment. Actually, I'm going to go with choice #2 tonight: sweaty balls, swalls if you will. Big, hairy, fat swalls.

4. As it turns out, I'm easily amused. Put a plate of peas in front of me and I will find a way to turn it into deadly ammunition for all ages to fear. Tapioca balls can be subbed.

5. "Natural Male Enhancement" is too easy to make fun of, especially when you're trying to describe it to the person responsible for placing it on national radio. "Uh, it's, uh, natural .. male .. enhancement? For, uh, that, uh, sensative male body part?" IT MAKES YOUR TINY DICK SOMEWHAT FATTER AND LONGER. IT GORGES YOUR COCK FULL OF BLOOD SO THAT YOU CAN GIVE YOUR WOMAN A MINUTE OF BUTT, DICK, VAG HUMPTASTIC SEXY TIMES.

6. Photo Bombers. Yes, it really did take up an hour of my time. On a related note (see #5), my jaws hurt.

Friday nights, gay men and a really bad sunburn

Rest, oh God, REST! It's 8:28 on Sunday night and I'm FINALLY getting rest.

This weekend went by so fast and I'm a little saddened to see it go. I guess you could compare my sadness to what a beaver feels when it realizes its own feces aren't good enough to hold the dam together. Pretty dam sad. Wow, that was pretty crappy. Let's go with it ...

I went to a party on Friday night with my friend Andrew. It was alright as far as parties go, there could have been more people there. I was told later on that there are usually far more people. The hilight of my night, though, was a David Bowie-like gay man hitting on Andrew and him not realizing it.

So the scoop is I'm walking around and I hear Andrew call to me, so I walk over and am introduced to his friend, who I immediatly recognize as being pretty gay. Pretty gay? I think that's an understatement. I'm thinking pink boas and broadway musicals while flailing about in designer labels gay. Gay. Really, really gay. (I have no problem with people being gay, I only elaborate to make my ending point better.) As all three of us are talking, I realize that Andrew doesn't realize his friend is gay! Oh the hilarity! What makes this even better is that he gets hit on by gay men all the time (and upon seing this, my two other friends tried to convince me he's bisexual.)

So he goes on talking to his new friend and I go off to do my thing. I wanted to go eventually, so I set about trying to find him so that we could skedaddle off and get our sexy times on. Mmmmm sex. HOT. Oof, I still contend I won't talk about my sex life here. Moving on.

Peering around the place, I eventually spot him at the top of the outside staircase next to GG (Gay Guy, I don't know his name), scanning the crowd with a look of sheer panic and desperation on his face. It read "Oh dear biscuits lord and gravy where there fudgenicklesticks is Christina?!" Now, the right thing to do would have been to wave about frantically in leiu of his attention, but it was a little more entertaining to stand with my friend Jo Jo and laugh at the situation a little. We enjoyed our little laugh. Oh, we did.

Eventually I was spotted and down he came, I asked if he wanted to leave a bit or hang around and the general consensous was that it was almost 3am and bed was calling. As we're trotting back to my car he says "I finally figured out he's gay." Hahahahahahahaha. Took him long enough! Oof, it was pretty cute, actually ... pretty ... dang ... cute. Fast forward an hour, we're lying in bed and a text comes through on his end. But who could it be?! It's GG! Oh GG, we missed you. It had only been an hour since I saw you last, but we sure did miss you.

Saturday was pretty busy, yep, and so was today, but I think nothing beats the rest of my weekend like GG. Oh wait, perhaps this massive SUNBURN I got today. Stupid Hollywood farmers market. Wait a minute, something else interesting DID happen this weekend. I was asked out on a date by a farmer. Yes, a farmer. I'm already looking forward to a life of manuer and pitchforks. *Heart*

Mmmm ... cuuuuudddlllliiiinnnnggg ....

There are a lot of things I've wanted to write about over the last few days, however, my schedule has had one huge "CLUSTERFUCK" written all over it. Tonight's Thursday, right? Jebus, last time I checked it was Monday morning and I was flailing about my friend's bed in search of one annoying cell phone (followed by me falling down the stairs and poking one of his dogs in the eye ... is it sad that I always say hello and goodbye to every animal I come across? FREAK.) Ugh, it's been one event after another this week and all I want to do right now is sleep. Cuddle. Snuggle. Hold pinkies and then do what I do best ... sprawl all over the bed, leaving about 2" of space for whatever else happens to be there. That reminds me, I need to find my Cuddlesutra book ...

Moving on. A list. A beautiful, beautiful list of things I WANTED to write about! Imagine the next few lines filled with Christina-isms and exaggerated happenings, then pretend it's funny. I'm exhausted and don't want to type much more ... my fingers are lazy tonight. Yeah, you got it right, my goddamn fingers are goddamn lazy. HEY! I had a really tough time at the gym tonight! Give a half asian a break :(

1. Politics - both parties hide information ... especially when it comes to taxation policies.
2. Marathon training has started. Have to lose 10-20 more lbs to get to my desired mile minute. NUTS.
3. Music is still my secret lover; newest fling: The Dodos, Stars and Les Savy Fav.
4. Radio broadcasting and stuff on Wednesday. Greg did a really good job! Go, Greg, go.
5. Dude comes up to me on Tuesday asking if I'm Christina. Why yes, yes I am! Unless you want money, then, no ... no I'm not ... He turns out to be the roommate of the guy I met on Saturday (and haven't seen since then). I'd never met the roommate before ... and he recognized me. Intereeessttting.
6. Drunk, homeless (I'm assuming) dude screams that I'm pretty at me at 12am in Echo Park.
7. Gained 5lbs back - FUDGENUCKLES.
8. How I lost my virginity - I didn't even know. In reference to my myspace post, I had this to say about the issue:

>Mine is sorta similar to the camp bunk, except that it wasn't at camp and the dude's penis wasn't big enough to really consider it "sex" ... more like me questioning if there's something in my pants and then if I had just lost my virginity, althewhile thinking to myself "What's wrong with Justin's face, he looks like he's in pain."

Ala Holy Taco - http://www. holytaco. com/2008/06/11/the-8-places-you-probably-lost-your-virginity/#more-1862

Ugh, fingers lazy. Must stop. Must watch Human Body: Pushing Limits.

Hardy Har Har!

I ... am speechless.

Courtesy of Holy Taco, I bring you digitized sumo wrestlers.


Which reminds me, I'm halfway through my baby-friends mashup; I should be done soon.

Insert blog title here.

This weekend was filled with many important life lessons .. the most important being "Orange County boys are beautiful." Jesus Christ, it was like hot boy overload this weekend and I was in mammer-jammer heaven! Granted, I ddin't touch any of them because - let's face it- half of them are gay and the other half are total douchebags. Douchebags swimming with herpes. Mmm herpes. Sounds like my kind of fun time.

Hmph. Perhaps I should be more specific? Ok, here we go ... three words: sailors in uniform.

My good pal from high school got married this weekend, and it was a regular ol' maritime extravaganza. And by extravaganza, I mean ceremony filled with hot, well educated men (all from Merchant Marine Academy) manning it up in their decorated steamy, dreamy sailorman uniforms. I was tempted on several occasions to throw myself overboard the yacht just to see which of the Mc. Dreamsters would come to my rescue. Yes, some of them were just that hot. It's a real good thing I didn't, because we took the celebrations to grand Costa Mesa for festivities afterwards. Much easier to chat it up there. It was like Sailor/OC Boy soup ... with a dash of Christina. Flavorful! What a shame I keep my hands to myself :(

After that exciting bonanza, I thought manscene was dead. My heart and soul were crushed. I cried imaginary tears of crushed soul. Where else am I going to find a mass amount of beautiful men to look at and not touch?!?! Oh yeah! The 24 Hour Fitness in Sherman Oaks! Now, I do happen to think getting a good workout in is very important, but I also think it's also beneficial if I have a little man candy to help ease the pain of 1-2 hours of cardio. I have a handful of regulars picked out to stare at on a regular basis. There's tall blonde dude with nice butt, tall rico suave dude with nice butt, really tall built blonde guy with nice butt, and then tall kinda dorky dude with nice butt. I'm pretty sure they think something is wrong with me, perhaps a slight case of mental retardation ... or lazy eye, but whatever the case, mama wants. Mama wants. Mama wants.

Ugh, crush me now! Most of them are porn stars :( Or gay. Or gay pornstars. Sucio :(

Then, to round of my weekend of men men men. I got a haircut. I have somehow convinced myself that because I spent the last 14 years donating hair to the Center for Kids Who Can't Grow Hair Good, it's time to just go hog wild and do whatever the fudgenuckles I want with my hair. This means ... lots of short, anti-sexy 'dos. I was pretty happy where it was at, but I said to myself "Christina - you NUTBAG - cut your hair! You're happy with it, but screw happiness! Cut it just because you can!" I should learn to turn my brain off ... below is my before and after MS Paint depiction of haircutland result:



Oh. and as I side note. Greg. Greggory. You're unbelievable (in a good way.)
What a talented musician you are ... and you made an EP about/influenced by/something about me and my friend Andrew.
Everybody should have some sort of their life recorded, in one way or another. How awesome that you should put mine in record form.